thepeopleseason: (Default)
I've spent the last six weeks running around town, distracting myself from my own thoughts, from the undeniable truth of my life--that I've lost the will to live an existence that's meaningful in any way.

Changes

Jan. 29th, 2009 06:16 pm
thepeopleseason: (Default)
Things I cannot look at now without pain:
  • Pancakes
  • Waffles
  • Thai Food
  • Pho
  • You
Things I will never do again:
  • Play Halo
  • Play Gears of War
  • Be friends with him

Dearest

Jan. 23rd, 2009 06:16 pm
thepeopleseason: (Default)
I had integrated you into my life so completely, so irrevocably, that now that we are apart, now that you've chosen to throw your lot with him, everything that had once brought me joy brings me pain. I cannot move, for the path in front of me is partly your path. There is nothing in my life that does not evoke your face and the pain of his betrayal. I can only try to find new stories--lose myself in the vicarious emotions of fiction.

Dearest

Jan. 6th, 2009 10:25 pm
thepeopleseason: (Default)
You need to know, that this is the kind of betrayal that I have little capacity to forgive. It's happened too many times for my heart to consider the friendship that we had before as anything other than a ruse to sway you from me. It took me years before I could speak with Scott with any sort of civility, and that was with the benefit of a California/Florida continental divide. I have yet to consider Allen with any other emotion than loathing.

I cannot have a friendship with him. It will take all of my self-control not to accost him, assault him at their wedding. While my love for you spares you from my contempt, you really should have known better.

Dearest

Dec. 31st, 2008 09:52 am
thepeopleseason: (Default)
I don't know how it escaped me, but I hadn't fully read the archived posts on your blog until last night. I can see now how much importance you placed on your faith before you were with me, and how the failings of my own faith were such a thorn in your comfort in our relationship. I'm sorry I didn't pay more attention to these things.

But you, having read my blog, should have known better than to start dating a friend.
thepeopleseason: (Default)
Come dance with me or I’ll explode
The reckless side is now shining through you
So shake your hair and do what you do
And I’ll break my legs to keep up with you

Cause I don’t like being alone
Unless I feel alone
Dancing with you is everything
So I know that it can’t be wrong
Steady after the wine
Time after time after time
To watch the light shine through us
Like ghosts as the candles burn as low as they go

Spinning until we hit the floor
Pain has never felt so good
Light our selves up to crumble in
Just to never let it end

Cause I don’t like being alone
Unless I feel alone
Dancing with you is everything
So I know that it can’t be wrong
Steady after the wine
Time after time after time
To watch the light shine through us
Like ghosts as the candles burn as low as they go

(So hold me close, to keep me close)

Cause I don’t like being alone
Unless I feel alone

--Chuck Ragan

Dearest

May. 11th, 2008 09:56 pm
thepeopleseason: (Default)
I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. Yes, I realize that's overly melodramatic, but I've heard lots of women say that if a man isn't married by 35, there's something wrong with him. I'm not sure I can disagree with that at the moment.

If this is anything like my other breakups, it'll take me about the length of the relationship to get over it, so I'm going to be 37 before I even can start thinking about another relationship, not to mention the fact that according to a survey of single women, an Asian man with the same level of attractiveness as a white guy making 62K a year needs to make like 250K per year to compete.

It's not the first time I've thought my foreignness has been a stumbling block in my interpersonal relationships, but it's the first time it has filled me with such a pervasive dread of being without you.

Dearest

Apr. 30th, 2008 11:37 pm
thepeopleseason: (Default)
Fighting against myself, I called you tonight. You haven't responded, and I have the sinking feeling that I've been ostracized from your social circle. Is this my fate, am I to be the second-thought of everyone we once shared time with? This is a far cry from the mirth I felt from your message at the beginning of this week. I find myself drowned in the dark thoughts of a foolish adolescent, but how am I to think? I've always been comfortable in solitude, but never so in loneliness.

Where have you gone?

Dearest

Apr. 30th, 2008 07:30 pm
thepeopleseason: (Default)
I had a dream this morning, where I got to see you after all this time. You had started smoking, and you didn't appreciate my being around. This is my affliction, my deepest fear, that our time apart will be the catalyst for you to change so drastically that I do not recognize you when I can finally hold you again. That your heart will harden to thoughts of us.

And while I know that you must live your life without me, I weep for the moments that we cannot share.

Dearest

Apr. 27th, 2008 11:20 am
thepeopleseason: (Default)
I've been reading (perhaps far too much) about the dichotomy which is at the root of our issues--you cannot help but feel lost in the depth of my introversion at times, despite my willingness to put myself through discomfort to accompany you to social events. The more I read, however, the more a dread sense of despair creeps upon me.

Am I so irreconcilably different from you, from everyone? Our relationship is in dissolution because of something that is so much a part of me. The articles say that my brain is wired differently from the majority of people--am I destined to over-lone anyone I create a relationship with?

These thoughts sap my hope from me. To face outrageous fortune without a steady hand to hold upon--to be outcast for something that I cannot affect in any meaningful way.

This is no way to live.

Dearest

Apr. 26th, 2008 01:59 am
thepeopleseason: (Default)
I spend my days deciphering code, wrangling the pseudo-languages that few aside from machines understand, trying to lock-groove my wandering mind from the damning imaginings that hide in my mind--your doppelganger, laughingly cruel or suddenly resolved, mocking pieces of my sanity from me with the shadow of your parting.

I stream maudlin pop songs into my brain like a intravenous drip, to drown out the soft murmurs of Fear and Anxiety who scream curses at me from behind the curtain of distraction.

The rest is silence.

Dearest

Apr. 24th, 2008 01:10 am
thepeopleseason: (Default)
I had few tears about our relationship until today. Yesterday, when I told Anna of our breakup, I choked up for a moment, but today my brother contacted me with his concerns about my recent postings. I had little preparation for the stream of tears which flew forth from my eyes, blurring the words I typed to him. I left my desk, with my co-workers discussing some technical issue behind me, and walked to the rooftop of my office. There, I wept for my loss of you, drawing my hand over my eyes to blot the salt and moisture. It took me some time to compose myself.

Part of me has trouble with the timing. The paranoic in me thinks you're in love with your roommate or that you've found someone else or that you're tired of me. The strange symmetry of his shorts next to your bed and the reconciliation of your debt to me is causing all manner of absurd wild imaginings to fire within my mind, filling me with fear and apprehension.

Come back to me, my sweet.

Take me and keep me away from the sea.

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thepeopleseason

February 2011

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