thepeopleseason: (Default)
I had my choice of what to send to you those weeks ago. How did I wish to tell you that I thought your silence was deafening? I went with something I thought would stir your heart:
Based on your silence over the past week or so, a lot of friends say that I should just move on, fold, ignore your calls. Several people have given me various pieces of advice--don't call her at all, don't write to her, post an LJ post about someone else--some of which you've probably noticed I've taken, some of which I haven't.

You already know that I, too, am an INFP; if you've been honest with me about your reasonings for avoiding contact these past few days, then you should know that while I, too, need days to recharge from the exigencies of life, I also need reaffirmations of the connections that I make to other people. When we shared those hours talking together, the brisk walk through Centennial Olympic Park, that tender kiss that night, exactly one month ago, we forged one of those connections. And it's a connection that I'd like to continue to explore, so I'm just going to put everything that I'm feeling on the table.

I think you're pretty amazing. Honestly. I know we sorta kid one another with the whole "You're Hot" thing, but I really think you're quite beautiful. I'm not surprised that so many people like you. But aside from your tremendous physical appeal, I think your intelligence and your erudition make you quite a catch. You've got a drive to learn more about yourself and the world. You've introduced me to different writers and viewpoints--sometimes making me question the things I've accepted all my life. Spending time with you is not just fun, but educational. You get on your roommate's case when she leaves the heat on too high. Aside from the mild discourtesy of not returning phone calls in a timely fashion, I think you're incredible. Even amidst all the turmoil that I've put myself through, I still think you're worth it.

You've read my poetry page where I say I don't believe in soulmates. Meeting you, I began to think they were possible.

So if you've gotten tired of dealing with me, please just tell me honestly. It would be better to know your misgivings now, rather than my carrying a torch for you while you'd rather see someone else or be alone. Like I told you a week ago, I can understand if you don't want to rush into anything, as well as if you've developed feelings for someone else, but I think if you're willing, we could have a future together.
Perhaps I was wrong. Maybe I should have gone with this:
When we first started talking you mentioned that you didn't have that that giddy, in-love feeling with D_. I had hoped, once we began seeing one another, that we would share that feeling, but to be frank, I think you've made it abundantly clear, from your general avoidance of my presence over the past week to the mild discourtesy in not returning my calls in a timely fashion, that we don't.

To make it worse, I've begun to question your motives in each of your messages to me, wondering if you're telling me the truth or perhaps if you're seeking to manipulate me into some sort of behavior. I hardly think this kind of mistrust on my part is the ideal thing to bring into a potential relationship, much less one starting out with one partner fresh off a long-term, long-distance thing.

And so it's with a heavy heart that I think we shouldn't really see each other anymore. As much as it cripples me to do so, I can't persist on waiting for something which might never come to fruition, especially when our feelings seem so divergent on what it is we're doing.

I need to return The Demon-Haunted World to you, as having it around the house as a reminder of what we briefly shared may be too much for me to handle.
What would have happened if I sent that message? We'll never know...
thepeopleseason: (Default)
I address this message to nothing in particular, to the cosmos itself. It will likely never reach your eyes, unless I tell you of it many days from now.

As much as I wish to hold your body close to mine, I cannot. Today is not a celebration of that insipid emotion that makes us all miserable, but, for me, a day of mourning. I mourn for the countless and lost kisses I wished to give to you. I weep for the moments we will never share. That your laughter is gone from my life is of infinite sadness; that I am resigned to giving myself the orgasms which should be coursing through your body grieves me without measure.

We have, dear Valentine, passed the road to our Happiness. But despite the compelling urge to contact you, I hope that you find your own.
thepeopleseason: (Default)
Where are you?

You haven't checked the site we found each other on in five days. Does that mean you've finally found something to be committed to?

Why do I torture myself with this?
thepeopleseason: (Default)
There were ghosts in the eyes
Of all the boys you sent away.
They haunt this dusty beach road
In the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets.
They scream your name at night in the street.
Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet,
And in the lonely cool before dawn,
You hear their engines roaring on
But when you get to the porch they're gone
On the wind.
thepeopleseason: (Default)
You told me, in one of the final messages you sent to me, that you're having a difficult time understanding how someone can get so attached so quickly.

Aside from our physical intimacy, I think the biggest thing to draw me into your web was the trust you placed in me. You trusted me with the first part of your story. You trusted me with the knowledge of your second journal. You trusted me enough to tell me of your past, your lovers, your fears, your secrets. That you were open enough to let me inside of your head was infinitely appealing.

And ultimately, my downfall.
thepeopleseason: (Default)
Do you know what Irony is?

Irony is getting dumped because your partner isn't seeking a committment, and then figuring out that you don't want one either.

Irony is taking the self-declared personality type of the person you're enamored of, crafting a love letter to match that personality type, and figuring out from the response that her personality is completely different.

Irony is knowing that everything that you did as a response to her silence caused her to break away.

The sweetest girl may not be able to make it tonight for Karaoke. I might head down by myself, but part of what I was looking forward to was the opportunity to just sit for an hour or so and talk to her about you.
thepeopleseason: (Default)
I spent my day in a full-day job interview.

One of the interviewers was a woman who shared your name. Most disconcerting.

Tomorrow I will join the sweetest girl for a trip down to Newnan, where we will visit friends and sing Karaoke at the Alamo. I will sing the song that I've longed to sing to you, Johnny Cash's cover of "Sea of Heartbreak."

Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.
thepeopleseason: (Default)
Did you have a good New Years?

Throughout the weekend I'd been largely okay with the way things were--I'd finished reading The Tao of Pooh and realized that all the effort that I was putting into feeling miserable about your loss was just wasted energy.

Even being amongst a large group of people during Sunday brunch didn't faze me as it usually does.

Then I had to drive past your place that evening.

Memory is a double-edged sword. I could feel some part of me compelling my car towards the gate of your apartments. How does one fight the pressing need to feel you inside my arms again? How can my brain defy the memory of our lovemaking on your the small bed which miraculously fit us comfortably? Should I excise you from my mind, like Clementine did to Joel? If we both robbed one another of the memory of our companionship, would some part of us remember to meet in Montauk?

Do you dream of me in the mornings?
thepeopleseason: (Default)
I remember about a year ago, on Valentine's Day, I bumped into a friend that I hadn't seen in a while--months, perhaps even years. We spoke briefly, and when she asked how I was, I shrugged, "I'm ok...I'm without a Valentine on Valentine's Day..." I've never liked Valentine's Day, even when I've been in relationships. Aside from the usual complaints, Valentine's Day presents the ridiculous expectation that the day in question is somehow supposed to be more than romantic to the remaining days of the year.

About a month ago, we got together, my first real relationship after a period of approximately five years. Before that, I had fallen into a very comfortable routine--get up in the morning, go to work, come home, watch some television or go to the bar, read something before bed. It wasn't happiness; I always felt like I wanted to be in a relationship, but I was...content to live this simple, routine life.

When we parted, however, I found my old life soulless, empty. No longer have I a faith to rely upon for support. My friends have their own cares, their own worries. Watching the same shows that you and I watched before simply fills me with longing for your company. The fictional universes which sustained me for so long in my solitude are shadows compared to living a life of which I had a brief taste.

And even though I know that the time we spent together is over, even though I know I cannot go back to having you in my life, even though I may actively work to finding a new relationship, my heart is heavy with the knowledge that there is nothing for me in my previous life. The person I was for those five years is lost now.
thepeopleseason: (Default)
A friend asked me to write 500 words on how I feel about where I am in life now. "Call it pre-therapy," she said, referring to my recent desire to visit an actual therapist.

So, where do I begin? Usually when people talk about "where they are in life," we talk career, lovelife, money situation, living situation, etc. etc.

So I'll start with the easy stuff--I like where I'm living. Atlanta is a fun town, and I own my place. I've a wonderful set of friends around town. Financially, I don't have many worries. The last time I checked my credit score it was 802. I've got about a year's worth of savings in the bank, so I'm not terribly concerned about having just quit my job.

Which brings me to my career. Like I said, I recently quit my job. Working on this contract has long lost any sort of appeal for me, so for a long time I was content to merely attend to my daily duties, collecting my paycheck at the end of the respective pay periods. When I quit, I let my boss know that I was unhappy with the work that we were doing.

Part of me is tired of working in computers. Having taken various amateur personality tests, I've come to discover that my personality is more suited to creative pursuits. What do I do, then? Aside from a desire to be a published writer, I've got no real other direction to take my career other than my training in computers.

I'll talk about my lovelife (or lack thereof) in another post.
thepeopleseason: (Default)
Do you know why I call you Happiness?

That first night we shared a meal, the first night after you parted with your former lover, we dined on the food from my homeland. The final item had the following message for me:
Stop searching forever--happiness is just next to you.
And while I know that the statement was merely pre-packaged, dimestore wisdom, I like to think that for a brief time, the name was appropriate.

You are not, however, responsible for my Happiness.

That is a burden which rests solely upon my own shoulders, but while it's rude and presumptuous of me to saddle you with even the slightest bit of that responsibility, that you are unwilling to consider taking it on is of infinite sadness.


thepeopleseason: (Default)

February 2011

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