Dear Happiness

I had my choice of what to send to you those weeks ago. How did I wish to tell you that I thought your silence was deafening? I went with something I thought would stir your heart:

Based on your silence over the past week or so, a lot of friends say that I should just move on, fold, ignore your calls. Several people have given me various pieces of advice--don't call her at all, don't write to her, post an LJ post about someone else--some of which you've probably noticed I've taken, some of which I haven't.

You already know that I, too, am an INFP; if you've been honest with me about your reasonings for avoiding contact these past few days, then you should know that while I, too, need days to recharge from the exigencies of life, I also need reaffirmations of the connections that I make to other people. When we shared those hours talking together, the brisk walk through Centennial Olympic Park, that tender kiss that night, exactly one month ago, we forged one of those connections. And it's a connection that I'd like to continue to explore, so I'm just going to put everything that I'm feeling on the table.

I think you're pretty amazing. Honestly. I know we sorta kid one another with the whole "You're Hot" thing, but I really think you're quite beautiful. I'm not surprised that so many people like you. But aside from your tremendous physical appeal, I think your intelligence and your erudition make you quite a catch. You've got a drive to learn more about yourself and the world. You've introduced me to different writers and viewpoints--sometimes making me question the things I've accepted all my life. Spending time with you is not just fun, but educational. You get on your roommate's case when she leaves the heat on too high. Aside from the mild discourtesy of not returning phone calls in a timely fashion, I think you're incredible. Even amidst all the turmoil that I've put myself through, I still think you're worth it.

You've read my poetry page where I say I don't believe in soulmates. Meeting you, I began to think they were possible.

So if you've gotten tired of dealing with me, please just tell me honestly. It would be better to know your misgivings now, rather than my carrying a torch for you while you'd rather see someone else or be alone. Like I told you a week ago, I can understand if you don't want to rush into anything, as well as if you've developed feelings for someone else, but I think if you're willing, we could have a future together.

Perhaps I was wrong. Maybe I should have gone with this:

When we first started talking you mentioned that you didn't have that that giddy, in-love feeling with D_. I had hoped, once we began seeing one another, that we would share that feeling, but to be frank, I think you've made it abundantly clear, from your general avoidance of my presence over the past week to the mild discourtesy in not returning my calls in a timely fashion, that we don't.

To make it worse, I've begun to question your motives in each of your messages to me, wondering if you're telling me the truth or perhaps if you're seeking to manipulate me into some sort of behavior. I hardly think this kind of mistrust on my part is the ideal thing to bring into a potential relationship, much less one starting out with one partner fresh off a long-term, long-distance thing.

And so it's with a heavy heart that I think we shouldn't really see each other anymore. As much as it cripples me to do so, I can't persist on waiting for something which might never come to fruition, especially when our feelings seem so divergent on what it is we're doing.

I need to return The Demon-Haunted World to you, as having it around the house as a reminder of what we briefly shared may be too much for me to handle.

What would have happened if I sent that message? We'll never know...